beaquila_214

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 02:04:47 GMT

How to be an asshole and get laid

I read somewhere that many cultures have stories similar to Cinderella, but they were created completely isolated from each other. What this means is, every culture has poor, slutty girls dressing up to get laid by Prince Rich Dick. This is how to take advantage of these girls trying to find Mr. Right at a shitty bar that they think is the ball of their very own bedtime story.

First thing’s first: You better have some money. If you can’t pay, don’t play.

Also, women do mature, so if you plan to try this on some ugly old hag, fuck you. With older women your wedding ring better have some diamonds in it if you want a chance at that ass. This is meant to help you mind-fuck a young hot girl into confusing you being an asshole as you being superior. Young girls have a real hard time deciphering if you really are as awesome as you lead them to think. Most of the time, they really don’t give a shit who you are, just as long as you keep them duped. “It’s not my fault” is a girl’s wet dream.

As well, if you’re just some ugly shithead, try starting with your level. Yes, you deserve / want the hottest girl — so does everyone else.

SET UP YOUR PLACE

Always keep some drugs at home. A six pack, a joint, a few lines. When the time comes at the bar, the easiest out is to invite her over to do more drugs. It’s good to have condoms, even if in the middle of your drug-raged, shitty sex, you rip it off. She will like your willingness to fuck her without a condom — just move quickly to keep her confused. If she asks if you took off the condom, just say “Do you eat a Snickers while it’s still in the wrapper?” By the time she gets the whole meaning behind what you just said, she will be enthralled and imprisoned by you ravaging her. Just don’t be a dumb asshole and get her pregnant. But before you can buy her the morning after pill, you need to find her.

HAVE CIGARETTES

It is also good to have cigarettes with you. I have gotten into many tight spots because of these little chest warmers. My theory is if a girl asks you, out of everyone, for a smoke, she wants to smoke your cock. Call me big-headed. If you don’t smoke, put one behind your ear, so she can still see you have them.

FIND HER

The best thing you can do is go to a hot spot. Do not go into your regular hangout bar. You are trying to get laid here, not find someone with a common interest — the common interest should be dick in vagina. The hip places most often fade quickly. This means she can see fucking you as distant as when that bar was cool. If you do somehow pull off finding a girlfriend out of a fuck-the-first-night type, congratulations, you have tamed a whore. Just don’t be surprised when she gives head to a roadie for a band touring in a beat-up church van.

IGNORE HER

Once you see her seeing you, let her check you out. Show her some jawline, show her your social skills. Take some time. If you get too aggressive right away, you will seem like the Terminator and her pussy will turn into John Connor.

So you have shown you can be distant. You won’t be a clinger. If she hasn’t at least made motions into your party voice area, then forget about her and find the next one — she may come around anyway. You have to convince this girl of the fact that she is the commodity.

Feel free to try to approach her, but not only are you showing your cards to her, you are showing them to every other girl that may have interest in you.

TALK TO GIRLS IN FRONT OF HER

This is a great way to actually approach girls without the motive of fucking them on your mind. Sure, go talk to girls that are fuckable — for all you know one of these girls will end up being the one you fuck. By placing the ulterior motive of using this girl to show the target how badass you are, you are actually making the girl you are talking to hot in the pants. People pick up on ulterior motives, even If they can’t place their finger on what that motive is. Girls love the idea of you wanting to fuck another girl, especially if they are the one that ends up fucking you.

ACT LIKE YOU ALREADY KNOW HER

So she has decided to ask you for a light, a cigarette, or has chosen a close path through the bar near you. Since you already know you are going to fuck her, treat her as if you already have. Talk to her like a human being. Feel free to treat her like you would the female co-worker that you always ride the line of sexual harassment with. Talk dirty, be honest, be charming. This does not mean actually sexually harass her. You have to be gay, from Mexico, over the hill, or married for girls to allow you to sexually harass them.

DISAGREE WITH HER

Disagreeing with something in the conversation is very important. Not only does it show you are not a pushover, she now knows that once you are tired of your sexual position, you will fess up and slap that ass to the proper place.

ACT UNAVAILABLE

Try to have an underlining of being sneaky. This makes her believe you won’t be blabbing your mouth off about it. Also, if she thinks you have a significant other, you seem wanted and not desperate. Of course don’t ride this too hard.

FAKE PHONE CALLS AND / OR TEXTS

If you are there with friends, have them call or text you during the conversation. If you want to get really badass, put your friend’s name as a girl’s name for the night. While you talk to the girl, have your buddy text you, “I want you now.” Let her see it, but act like you didn’t mean for her to. Put your phone away quickly, like you are almost embarrassed by how bad girls want you.

GET THE COCK-BLOCK DRUNK

So here comes her friend to try to fuck up everything. The next trip to the bar, buy her a drink and make it a double. Keep her satisfied. Show the girl not only can you charm her, you can charm the fat bitch she uses as a soapbox.

FUCK HER UGLY FRIEND

So she hasn’t responded to coming over? Make sure to ask more than once. If you have gotten to the end of the line and bar time is looming and you don’t have time to start over with another girl, take the cock-block home and have some frustrated, fuck-you sex with the puff piece. Sometimes you got to take one for the team — the team being you, your cock, and balls. Remember: This was all about getting you laid, you asshole.

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 02:44:42 GMT

When i feel completely unmotivated, or uninspired I just listen to The Wolves (Act 1&2)
By Bon Iver.
And I feel better.

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 17:50:38 GMT

I fucking hate Auburndale High school.
They have ruined my entire Senior year.
Every year of public I thought "man, I can't wait to be a senior. It's gonna be awesome."
No, not even close.
We still graduate in white.
the only "senior privilege" is that we get to wear flip flops on fridays, but everyone wears flip flops every other day, so that doesn't even matter.
My new guidance counselor is the biggest cunt I've ever met in my life.
And now on top of all that crap, and all the other things that I just don't remember right now.
They're changing my parking lot.
I've been parking in the band parking lot all year, because that's were co-op parks this year, but now "we don't have enough students for two parking lots" so I have to park in the stadium. A million miles from my first period, which I'm already late to like everyday.
Thanks, Auburndale, for successfully ruining my senior year. only 17 more days of hell.
Then I'm gone and I probably won't ever be back.

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 18:26:55 GMT

dfjseruoiugfbdt

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 14:45:18 GMT

tfhj;lghrjlgbjkgbjgfd
dfjsekgfiusd vbiehgtuytopewryw0[4\dfuy [w
\]seuh eor8hw8erh

just 'cause.

Fri, 23 May 2008 18:57:44 GMT

no, fuck you.
you really think i'm scared?
i've been over this a thousand times with you.
i have nothing to be scared of.
you're stupid.
how are you gonna call me a bitch, then deny it.
thats bullshit.
when the whole time we were arguing, i was the pussy.
i was the one that was scared, right?
even though everything i said i would do, i did.
and the only thing you acted on was coming up to me to show me some gay ass message.
-that, btw, made you look like a whore.
all that shit about you were gonna kill me cause your dad killed someone.
-i'm still alive.
you were gonna hit me.
-the closes you've been to me was handing me your phone.
you called me a million names.
-i never heard one come out of your mouth, just on myspace.
but i'm the one thats scared?
i've called you out, called you names, & acted on everything i said i was gonna do.
but i'm the pussy?
what the fuck ever.
you can kiss my ass.
and next time you wanna call me a bitch in the hallway, grow some balls and own up to it when i ask you about it.
you think i'm gonna hit you?
at school? where i would get expelled?
fuck that, you're deff. NOT worth it.
and you never will be.
and at least i can stand up for myself.
i don't need anyone else to do it for me.
i'm a big girl.
and you're still a baby.
go make up some bullshit lie so i can call you out on it.
i would love to.
stupid cunt.

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 15:40:32 GMT

today is going to be a good day :]

Mon, 29 Oct 2007 01:57:21 GMT

flew home.
back to where we met.
stayed inside.
i was so upset.
cooked up a plan so good except.
i was all alone.
you were all i had.
love you.
you were all mine.
love me.
i was yours right?

freaking stamps.
thats all i need.
& sleep.
which i'm getting ready for right now.

Sat, 27 Oct 2007 04:16:36 GMT

i got the best call tonight.
i need stamps.
like now.
:]

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 18:40:57 GMT

we're FRIENDS.
so please stop acting like i did something to hurt you.
:[

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 03:35:03 GMT

tonight was crazy.
like i went to work.
and i worked.
and this kid isn't acting like i killed him anymore.
so thats good :]
and then me & panda got in a crazy blizzard fight.
haha.
she got me with mint.
and cotton candy, and arctic rush stuff.
and i got her with cotton candy.
coffee.
and the other amanda got her with whipped cream.
it was pretty cool :]
the best night at work in a while.
i started to hate customers.
because they're all dumb.
but idk.
i think its getting a little better.
i hope.
and tomorrow should be fun.
maybe.
i hope it doesn't suck.
like tuesday almost did.
but then it got better.
geeze.
this is the most ridiculous thing i've ever been involved with.
and i know its going to blow up in my face.
but for some reason i still hope it won't.
idk.

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 03:40:41 GMT

im so excited to have 2 days off.
day one went good :]
my brother came over and we went to olive garden.
and i took a 2 hour nap :]]]]
which was like what i really needed.
and tomorrow should go good too.
some kid is supposed to come see me.
maybe :]
then im supposed to go to my old church.
i hope it doesn't end up like it did before.
i know mr. joe doesn't really like me still.
but thats whatever.
i don't really care.
i don't go there for him :]
and supposedly they're really learning about Jesus now.
so thats good :]
im [kind of] exited.
but then im not.
idk.
its weird lol.

school is still pretty gay.
but i guess its getting a little better.
maybe.
idk.

Sun, 19 Aug 2007 04:02:14 GMT

i just want you to at least pretend like you miss me.
a little.
whatever.
im so sick of caring about this.
i wish i could get one of those things from MIB.
geeze.
this is making me more and more depressed.
because he already has this new girl.
and he still has frances.
and it just makes me feel like i was nothing to him.
and i hate how everyone from work is making it sound like im being so dramatic about it.
and i haven't even said anything about him to anyone except aj in like a week.
aj is my favorite boy.
hands down.
hes the best boy ever.
like i love wesley and jizu and john and ryan.
but wesley could replace me in like 2 seconds, jizu is the same as pretty much everyone, john has a life that doesn't really involve me like at all, and i don't know ryan that much [i just think hes really nice, and really sweet and super funny]
aj is the only one that is sincere.
and when i tell him stuff, i never feel like hes going back and telling everyone what i just said.
school is going to suck.
because i've been putting off seeing derrick and all his little girlfriends for as long as i can, but at school its probably going to be right in my face.
great.
whatever.
i'll live.
this is just stupid.
and im sick of thinking about it.
i kinda wish i never would have gotten so close with the people at DQ.
all they've done is pretty much proved to me that people suck.
like i thought they were better, and made me better.
but it turned out completely different.
we had our fun.
and now its just drama.
and gay.

Sat, 23 Jun 2007 16:30:22 GMT

by the time you swear you're his.
shivering and sighing.
and he vows his passion is infinite, undying.
lady make a note of this:
one of you is lying.

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 04:43:03 GMT

im not sure whats going on.
but i do know i miss this one boy.
its really stupid.
but oh well.

i just wish it wasn't so confusing = /

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 22:17:14 GMT

well i lied.
i never gave you your pants back.
this is gonna end badly.
i can tell by the phone call you received at the clock.
and how you threw your phone against the wall when it was over.
but.
i.
don't.
care.
= ]

its only high school.
and by the time school starts back im sure it will be the same as it used to be.

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 16:41:23 GMT

well.
im getting ready to leave.
so i can go hang out with you.
and i don't even want to.
the only reason im going is because my ride to work is going.
this is gonna be so gay.
and for once i think im gonna stand up for myself.
and push you away.
because you hurt me.
and all of this isn't worth it.

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 15:13:03 GMT

i don't want to be a fill in.
if you want her just say that.
don't play with my emotions.
its not fair.
and i really don't like it.
this is so stupid.
and i want to know you want her more before i decide i like you.
because i don't want to caught up in the stupid games you play.

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 15:24:53 GMT

How many hearts will die tonight?
And will things have changed?
I guess I'll find out in ~~seventeen days~~
tonight.

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 19:59:47 GMT

i miss you.
and i really don't want to.
plus i just saw you like yesterday.
but now you're gone for a while.
oh geeze.
this is gonna be weird.
idk.
i hope its ok.
and no one gets mad.
i really not aiming for that.

Wed, 30 May 2007 03:00:44 GMT

i don't like girls = [
they suck.
except for some.
but i hate how they're all weird.
geeze.
i just want to not worry about this anymore.
its been like72305623561024562395689 years and its still not even really started.
whatever.

Mon, 28 May 2007 07:02:02 GMT

it is 3 AM.
and i just got home from jizu's house = ]
it was fun.
and we gave john a bath in jizu's jacuzzi.
and we watched tommy boy.
and a little bit of v for vendetta.
= ]